P2P No. 58 — My Give and Take on Mentorship

Generosity is not a loan to repay or a debt to settle. It's a gift to appreciate.—Adam Grant

Until late in university, I was a loner. I internalized the lesson that the only thing I can control is my effort, leading to working alone. This was self-sufficient and brought me quite far; it made me develop a strange relationship with my mentors. Alas, I was always afraid to ask for favors. As someone who values time the most (and not just mine), I thought I knew better than to bother my mentors. When I asked, that usually meant either a catastrophe knocking on the door or my efforts repeatedly hitting the wall.

My first formative experience came from the world of sports—an epiphany due to blind luck from my time in Cambridge.

Your mentors want you to succeed. They are mentoring you because they see your drive, motivation, pursuit of knowledge.

Mentoring is a selfless act (and a Pareto improvement). I could not fathom this statement. And not because I think people are bad. I am so lucky and grateful to have great mentors. However, I could not see the mentor-mentee relationship from the other side. I was afraid of exploiting my mentors (well, sometimes I still am).

Now the table is turning. One of the students I hope to work with asked an excellent question:

what do I want to get out of our relationship?

This led me to an epiphany. I would lie by saying that accomplishing my goals does not matter. But what I really care about is that the people I work with succeed.

Dig deeper

As by the wave of a magic wand, while I was drafting this post, organizational psychologist Adam Grant released No, you don't owe me a favor on his substack. It is a highly recommended read to understand why relationships are not always about reciprocity. In his book Give and Take, he delves into the details.

In Adam's words:

Generosity is not a loan to repay or a debt to settle. It's a gift to appreciate. Yes, you can reciprocate a favor by paying it back. But the best way to honor an act of kindness is by paying it forward.